Wanderer

I never thought I was the type of person to have a life plan until my life plan didn’t work out. I never thought I was the type of person who quantified my value on what those around me thought of me, until I had to redefine how I see myself. Mostly, I never thought I would end up where I am right now.

And I’m a little insecure about that.

There’s a teensy part of me that wonders if things didn’t work out the way they did because I failed. Or because I wasn’t smart enough, or talented enough. Or did I just give up too easily?

But one particular failure, or what I perceived as failure, led to an amazing volunteering opportunity, that led to graduate school, that has been profoundly empowering. It took me a few years of stumbling around, but I’m on a course with my degree, that I feel in my heart I was always looking for, but never knew until I fell into it.

Another recent blow has knocked me down. And I stayed down. One that was completely out of my control, where I’ve never felt so helpless and terrified. It’s been a lot harder to move forward, which is incredibly frustrating after being so sure and so focused, when I can’t seem to find my bearings. It’s deeply uncomfortable and I don’t like it.

But hit me yesterday why I can’t shake this weight in my heart – I feel lost.

This is not a foreign feeling to me, but an un-welcomed one.

While I was unpacking my belongings into my new home I came across this much needed gem of advise and comfort:

Looking back, I guess I’ve always been a bit of a wanderer. If I took the path I planned on I would be living a life based on other people’s expectations, not my own. Yes, right now I’m wandering in circles, going back and forth between what I think I should do and what I feel. I don’t know if I’m ready to move forward right now. I think I need to give myself more time to just wander, see where I am right now, and let myself fully grieve for what I had and loved.

I don’t know where exactly I’m wandering to, but I do know I love taking the back-road-scenic route. If I happen to get lost a long the way, it’s all a part of my wandering.

XO

SB