I didn’t realize today is your birthday
during the rush of morning wake up, making tea
too hot, keys lost, don’t let the cat escape,
juggling purse and papers, when the date
on my phone made me stop mid-radio station change.
Because I thought I would miss you.
I wait for the guilt to hit me in my ribs,
but I don’t think she lives there anymore.
It’s not forgetting today was your birthday
that made me pause. It’s the surprising indifference.
Realizing it’s relief that I don’t care anymore,
because OH MY GOD I cared so much,
so I carried the weight of the silent embrace
of your anger believing my love was enough
to hold you together, but I lost track of my heart
while I was busy earning your love.
As I stare at today’s date on my phone
I fully soak up this safe place I’ve built
just for myself, thinking, ‘’Oh, there she is.”
I breath in and start the car, knowing grief
will come back to visit from time to time.
I exhale and check the review mirror, knowing
the space you used to take up will always be
a little tender to the touch. I drive forward with my breath
reminding me I’ve paid the price for my peace.
In this slowed down morning, I remember your birthday.
Sarah Lorna
SARAH LORNA BAILEY 