In recognition of world mental health day, I want to share my perspective. Not to tell others how to help themselves, or give myself accolades, but because I know all too well the cripple fear of judgement and overwhelming loneliness. Because for half of my life I’ve always championed open conversation for mental health but remained too insecure to be open myself and cheered from the sidelines. Because finally I’ve realized if I want change to happen it needs to start with me.
I’ve had too many drafts that I deleted because I don’t know how to concisely share my story. What I really want to accomplish by sharing this, is that I want to be the person now that my 14 year old self needed then. Because I believed I was inherently broken. I believed that my God had made me that way, and then left me that way to figure it out by myself. I believed I was unlovable because I hated myself, the body and mind I felt trapped in. I believe the judgement others said of me when they saw I had hurt myself and I couldn’t hide my scars quick enough. I believed I could hide my mountain of fear and insecurities because it was too inconsistent, too inconvenient, and no one would understand.
But I understand.
I wish I could say there’s a magic pill that will work for everyone instantly. But my journey of self care won’t look like someone else’s because mental health effects every person differently. My mom asked me this weekend what was the most helpful thing she did for me when I was younger and what’s the most helpful thing people can do now. I told her, “You loved me where I was. You didn’t judge me, even when you didn’t understand. You listened when I told you I needed help.” My parents unconditional love saved me, and it carried me, until I was strong enough to stand on my own.
I can’t give a magic pill of happiness to everyone, no matter how much I wish I could. But no one should ever be left alone in their darkness. My only hope is that someone knows they’re not alone, they’re fears are known, they’re insecurities are valid, they’re never too far gone for love to reach them. You are never too far gone for love to reach you. YOU ARE NEVER TOO FAR GONE FOR LOVE TO REACH YOU. And until you are steady enough to rise, here’s my hand and my love. Because I see you.
Depression and anxiety can crush you in their weight but love is always stronger. I want to keep choosing love. Because love build upon more love.
Sarah Lorna
SARAH LORNA BAILEY 