When you strip back all the layers of fears, insecurities, expectations, limitations, etc. it’s not a comfortable feeling. I’m in a place right now where I’m fluctuating between comfort and uncomfortable. I feel like I’m right on the edge of change; leaving my old thought patterns and mindsets in the past. I can see where I want to be right in front of me with the light on my face, but I’m stuck in the middle of moving forward while looking back.
I may be stuck in the middle but it’s where I feel safe.
Somewhere between all that I’ve learned and the people I’ve met a long the way I built a box around my heart to protect myself. This box wasn’t built over night, but over time and over heartache. Whenever I felt misunderstood or misjudged, or when someone let me down or broke my heart, I unconsciously put up another wall and another nail. From within this personal command center I could control how close I let people get to me. I could control how much I allowed myself to open up to others. I could control what trust I shared.
Rule number one was to never let anyone see my careful construction. Always deflect with vague, nondescript answers or change the subject or avoid altogether. Just always be “on.”
I’ve kept myself emotionally safe and steady by keeping people out, but I also unconsciously didn’t allow love and new connections in.
Now I have a choice to make.
I don’t know if I want to tear down these walls just yet. Yes, they’re barriers to growth, but this is my box. I built it all by myself and I’m comfortable and in control here. On the other hand, it is lonely. I’ve gotten too good at protecting myself that I don’t know how not to. I don’t want to stay stuck. I want to improve and grow.
Maybe acknowledgement is the first step? Maybe I can stay in the gray area a little while longer and slowly ease forward? Maybe it’s ok to not have all the answers right now? Maybe I can take it down one brick, one wall, at a time?
One brick at a time sounds good. It’s not a total free fall, but it’s a start.
Brick by brick. Grace by grace. This is the turning point that everything has led up to. I’m choosing love.
Sarah Lorna
SARAH LORNA BAILEY 