Sometimes I think if I avoid something for a while it’ll just go away or I’ll forget about it. I think that if I don’t acknowledge it, it’s not real. If it’s not real then I can’t get hurt. For so long I’ve unconsciously turned away, shut myself off or simply ignored to protect myself from what I feared could potentially hurt me.
I imagine it like this; being caved in – you’re stuck, buried, surround and suffocated by darkness. The only way out is to break through the rubble you’re trapped beneath. But what if you move the wrong stone then you’re pushed further down? So you tell yourself to accept your fate and get used to dark because this is your life from now on.
The worst times I felt caved in, when depression had worn me into the ground, I knew I wanted to get out. I had to find a way out but there was also a part of me that was terrified to try. I convinced myself maybe it wasn’t that bad. I told myself I was already the lowest I’ve ever been and if I did anything to disrupt the numbness I’d grown accustomed to it could possibly get worse. I didn’t know if I could come back from that. That thought was more terrifying than the depression.
I can’t really pinpoint the moment I realized I had moved passed the rubble. Honestly, it was the accumulation of seeking professional help and learning how to help myself over and over and over again.
Even though it’s taken me years to learn how to move myself forward I sometimes find my thoughts automatically turning back to avoidance when overwhelm and panic set in. It’s scary, changing what your comfortable with and I hate being uncomfortable. But my love of light is so much greater than my fear of the dark. With every forward step I continue to take I choose to let love motivate me and leave my dependency of avoidance in my dust.
September is National Suicide Awareness Month. If you feel like your darkness is trapping you in please know you’re never alone. Love and help are always available. Seek help locally or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1.800.273.TALK. Share your voice and your story to lift another.
Choose light, choose love, choose to stay.
Because love builds upon love.
Sarah Lorna
SARAH LORNA BAILEY 